Introduction 

The stories you are about to read are not in chronological order. This book is designed to be read as a group of standalone tales without any consideration of time. When one reads the Harry Potter books or The Catcher in the Rye or Lake Wobegon Days, the time frame is unimportant, but the moral or humor within the stories are the elements that make them memorable and identifiable to the reader.

Many of us have past experiences that recall the most fun we ever had and we relive them by telling them over and over to anyone who has never had a chance to enjoy them.

This is a time when people need laughter. More than booze, a cigarette, or toilet paper … Um …maybe not more than toilet paper. But they sure as hell need laughs.

John Wayne once said, “Going through life without being smart is difficult. Doing it without humor is a sonofabitch.” On second thought, that might’ve been from Lewis Black.

Smart folks absorb facts that make their journey a smoother ride. Essential facts like these:  Your mom is the only one of your uncle’s sisters who isn’t your aunt. Being a nun is not hereditary. Circle geometry we learned in grade school has an actual application in real life and has taught us that a 16-inch pizza has four times the area of an 8-inch one. Even the Vikings endured many failures until they learned new facts. After fifty years of doing things wrong, they found out it was a far more worthwhile strategy to rape and pillage, and then burn the village.

My book follows a boy growing up in post war American who tells his remembrances with humor and poignancy as he endures too many school transfers and an adult life filled with ugly confrontations, humiliations, and failures worse than the inventions of nasal floss and solar flashlights. Yearly relocations, from Maine to California and from Michigan to Florida, undermine his psychological stability. He learns that, when you go to more than twenty-six schools, fights are inevitable. But if you’re funny, you can save those traumatic uppercuts and make tough guys into friends with a single boffo phrase. And when they double up with hilarity, pound the crap out of them.

It has been said that anyone can make you cry. Only a special person can make you laugh, particularly one who can laugh at himself. A new zit on my forehead the size of a stuffed date can put me into convulsions. My grandfather encouraged me with sage advice like this:

“People don’t need a lot of stupid information from talky assholes. Be funny. Make ‘em laugh. Too much information gives monkeys the shits.”

Without further information, go to the first chapter and take a journey with me. I think you’ll find it way more fun that reading today’s newspapers.